I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
