Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize