Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
