i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
