Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
