So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have post one night stand depression
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