I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
