I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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