I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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