Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
