Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
