Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
