I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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