my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
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