can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
