And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
