Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
