I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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