That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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