saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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