you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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