In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
