Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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