Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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