if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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