That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
