I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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