Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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