I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
