On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
