I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
