There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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