Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
