I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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