I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
