I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
