if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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