Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude i'm inner monologue high
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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