I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
