so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
