I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
