I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
