the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
