if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
