i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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