i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Two words: blizzard sex
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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