I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
