I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize