im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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