and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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