i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
