just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
