dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
