Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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