I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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