Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize