So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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