you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
