I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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