so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
