So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
