the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
