oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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