Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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